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So These are my "Essays", where i type uncontrollably and post the result out here. they are sorted by most recent, and are typically first drafts with dates based on the the "Last Modified" timestamp the .txt file gives it.
November 2, 2023 : Five Years in Denial: A long and droning Five Nights at Freddy's movie review
First Draft
it was 3 in the morning, i was drowsy, i yearned to shut my eyes and die already, but all i could think about at that moment was that i could not, i SHOULD not perish before i find a copy of the five nights at freddys movie, you see i am what you call a lame nerd, i grew up on the internet in the 2010s and as a small, dumb child, all that mattered to me, was five nights at fedd's. so when i heard the movie had come out i did not give a shit, i live in a backwater third world shithole, and they were only showing it in the country with the 8 figure GDPs, (the UK and the US). but then i heard that the streaming version had leaked, as a cheapskate, i rush at the chance for anything free that i normally had to pay for. so i found a copy of off the shadiest porn-virus looking website that had a full downloadable unembedded copy, and then downloaded it. i could now rest.
the next night after whatever i did that day (i do not remember) i watched the movie. i had read reviews about it previously, i did not care what the people said, i had waited 5 years for this movie, i was still a child (very lame) when this movie was announced.
it was now finished. it was ready, i was not excited, not out of any animosity or cynisism, i had just grown to not feel at all about these things, maybe if it was released 3 years earlier before the [Al yankovic 9 coronas birdemic] i would have been ecstatic, but year after year of dissapointing life outcome after another left me stonefaced and unfeeling. sometimes i wish i could still feel wonder and joy like i felt as a young (lame) fan of the earlier FNaF games. i dont want to feel that child-like joy is beneath me.
the movie starts, then it ends, i felt the exact same going in as i did going out. unphased, and underwhelmed. the whole film felt to me like a nauseating collage of all of the games' stories merged and chewed into a single product. At once overwhelming, and not enough. i rationalized to myself that the movie was made for a new audience untainted with the FNaF lore, but all the highly specific references proved otherwise, like the cameo from Matrick and Patrick of Food Theory fame, the reused character names, or the "[ZOINKS SCOOB]" line spoken by [SPOILER], i now think this movie was made for people like me: little worms who grew up with the FNaF games and know the lore, the perfect sucker to buy a ticket for the movie. and i would have. [if i lived where it showed and had friends or went outside at all]. Dont get me wrong, the movie is well-made, it's a very good production, like the animatronics look like the ones in the game, but cleaner-looking for some reason (i guess 40-or so years meant nothing to 80s technology), it's the story i'm hung up on. they had used The Living Tombstone's fnaf 1 song as the end credits, and it felt to me like a very repsectful nod to the audience of feddys hypernerds(geeks and freaks), but also like they based the treatment on the song's narrative instead of the actual games'.
"5 years." i thought to myself twelve times. those 5 years felt like nothing to me. those were 5 years of buildup for an outcome that felt exactly like where i started. talking aout my life right now by the way, but the FNaF games were no different. the more games came out the more i felt that i was too old for them, everything i liked as a kid felt more and more inappropriate for me to like, but i didnt know or care about what "older people interests" were, so i continued partaking in FNaf media, but from a degree of seperation where i didnt enjoy it like how kids enjoy it, i was more bitter, cynical and critical about it, but in a performed way, that felt like not how i would view it, but how i should, i carried this over to almost everything else in my life and found i could no longer truly enjoy anything anymore. i had become like the cynical cross arm avatar commentary "people" who hated everything who i mocked equally, i had in fact idolized that worldview back then, while simultaneosly rejecting all forms of genuine expressions of passion, so i both loved and hated commentary content as a whole. those 5 years passed me by, bitter about the future, past, and present. i had conditioned myself not to feel anymore.
I'm listening to green day as i write this, which me from 5 years ago would probably call gay, to which i would promptly respond with a quick kick to the jaw, to myself, now, for ever wishing this curse upon myself. i just want to enjoy things, but now i just cant, as hard as i try. i see my friends and family still hold real passion and enjoyment for their interests, and all i can think is that i wish i could still feel that way for my own interests. maybe i should have just shut my eyes and died instead of downloading the movie, i wouldnt have missed out on much personally anyway.